Is dreamless sleep the only escape from the waking existential nightmare? Each morning, I awake and grasp for whatever might actually give life meaning. The biggest thought tends to be what has to be done, the carryover tasks from the night before; it gets perpetually more overwhelming. I used to worry about the simple things; when could I find time to be around friends, when would I be able to finish the book I'm reading? Somehow, life's meaning has gotten more complex. How am I ever going to finish my car? Did my letter of intent get in alright? What am I going to do for work this summer? It's not in my control any more. The thoughts run through my first waking moments, like the creepy fucking horse on the carousel. So I do what any rational person would do, I hit the snooze, the second times always a lot easier anyways.
Everything's still. The sun infiltrates the room through the crack in the curtains, a not entirely unwelcome peeping tom. The frozen space annoys me more then usual today. I decide to assert myself as the supreme being in my apartment and decide it's time for spring; I step into the warm (April) shower. As I start to wake up and become aware of my cognition's, I realize it's that god damn creepy horse again, still running through my mind. I shake it off, its' time for the first meaningful choice of the day anyways. What music am I using this morning to drown out life and the bus? Today it's Murder by Death...I'm not sure how relevant that is, the real point is that the music brings me the tranquility I need; I love the paradox, music played through headphones directly on my ears somehow manages to quiet everything down. I use this to try to appreciate life just a little bit, everything's quiet and I pay attention on the bus ride just long enough to see the sun over the lake; perfect time to reflect on life.
One of the major themes of my thoughts lately has been that it feels as though I've lost myself in my work. It's not to say this is necessarily a bad thing, just a bit different. I feel like I'm a lot less reflective then I used to be. This being the main reason that I chose to start journaling again. Anyways, I'm off topic (as usual). I don't feel like I can talk about relevant things anymore, I have school, or work. Not that I've ever been an outstanding covnersationalist, but now I just feel a bit detached. Oh well, I'm off to have dinner, I'll finish what I started here once I get home or something.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, May 29, 2008
What you already knew
This isn't my first blog, it's surely not going to be my last. I stopped using my last blog because I was done with that part of my life, I was done with all the angst and anxiety that comes with being lost. So I found myself, it took a year of hard work, I joined AmeriCorps, worked 60 hours a week, left my roommates and became a bit reclusive.
The problem with all of these moves is that while I feel as though I've discovered myself and what makes me happy, I'm struggling with my values. I don't read much anymore, that was the first thing I lost to school this time around. I'm ok with that though, I read enough interesting things for my classes. It was when I realized that I didn't really have time for friends that I felt like things were a bit out of control. School's something that's never come naturally to me, I didn't start reading until the third grade...it wasn't that I couldn't; I just didn't like Doctor Seuss, my first book was about The Titanic and I read it over and over again. My school career always went something like that, I was given a task, I ignored it and did what I thought made sense.
Anyways I digress, homework is what this is about. I can't focus on the stuff, there's always something else to do, my house is always messy because I'm busy trying to do other things. So I schedule twice the time I need to do homework in order to compensate for my difficulties buckling down and getting the things I need to do done. Consequently I haven't had time to spend with my friends, who seemingly are dwindling in number.
So here I am now, it's the summer I'm working 10 hours each day, it goes something like this: 7:30-11:30 work in my cubicle at my awful office job with two co-workers who drive me nuts, 11:30-1pm walk across the street, volunteer in a psychology lab having to do with stress and anxiety, 1pm-5pm work in a research lab on campus having to do with depression. By the time I bus home it's 5:30pm and I'm a bit exhausted. There's more to do though, my goals this summer are to study enough to do well on the GRE's, write my essays for grad school, and possibly get some reading done.
So much for maintaining friendships, the question is...is it worth it? I can't say I know the answer, and that hurts, I hate losing something for no reason. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back on this and be able to say this was right, I needed to do that. Right now I think of what I'm losing, what bridges I've burned, and the fear of what if I don't get into grad school. The worst part of it is I don't feel like there's anyone I can really vent to, so I internalize it.
I'll try to make this a little more interesting in the future, right now I'm tired, and I have to work in the morning.
The problem with all of these moves is that while I feel as though I've discovered myself and what makes me happy, I'm struggling with my values. I don't read much anymore, that was the first thing I lost to school this time around. I'm ok with that though, I read enough interesting things for my classes. It was when I realized that I didn't really have time for friends that I felt like things were a bit out of control. School's something that's never come naturally to me, I didn't start reading until the third grade...it wasn't that I couldn't; I just didn't like Doctor Seuss, my first book was about The Titanic and I read it over and over again. My school career always went something like that, I was given a task, I ignored it and did what I thought made sense.
Anyways I digress, homework is what this is about. I can't focus on the stuff, there's always something else to do, my house is always messy because I'm busy trying to do other things. So I schedule twice the time I need to do homework in order to compensate for my difficulties buckling down and getting the things I need to do done. Consequently I haven't had time to spend with my friends, who seemingly are dwindling in number.
So here I am now, it's the summer I'm working 10 hours each day, it goes something like this: 7:30-11:30 work in my cubicle at my awful office job with two co-workers who drive me nuts, 11:30-1pm walk across the street, volunteer in a psychology lab having to do with stress and anxiety, 1pm-5pm work in a research lab on campus having to do with depression. By the time I bus home it's 5:30pm and I'm a bit exhausted. There's more to do though, my goals this summer are to study enough to do well on the GRE's, write my essays for grad school, and possibly get some reading done.
So much for maintaining friendships, the question is...is it worth it? I can't say I know the answer, and that hurts, I hate losing something for no reason. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back on this and be able to say this was right, I needed to do that. Right now I think of what I'm losing, what bridges I've burned, and the fear of what if I don't get into grad school. The worst part of it is I don't feel like there's anyone I can really vent to, so I internalize it.
I'll try to make this a little more interesting in the future, right now I'm tired, and I have to work in the morning.
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