Is dreamless sleep the only escape from the waking existential nightmare? Each morning, I awake and grasp for whatever might actually give life meaning. The biggest thought tends to be what has to be done, the carryover tasks from the night before; it gets perpetually more overwhelming. I used to worry about the simple things; when could I find time to be around friends, when would I be able to finish the book I'm reading? Somehow, life's meaning has gotten more complex. How am I ever going to finish my car? Did my letter of intent get in alright? What am I going to do for work this summer? It's not in my control any more. The thoughts run through my first waking moments, like the creepy fucking horse on the carousel. So I do what any rational person would do, I hit the snooze, the second times always a lot easier anyways.

Everything's still. The sun infiltrates the room through the crack in the curtains, a not entirely unwelcome peeping tom. The frozen space annoys me more then usual today. I decide to assert myself as the supreme being in my apartment and decide it's time for spring; I step into the warm (April) shower. As I start to wake up and become aware of my cognition's, I realize it's that god damn creepy horse again, still running through my mind. I shake it off, its' time for the first meaningful choice of the day anyways. What music am I using this morning to drown out life and the bus? Today it's Murder by Death...I'm not sure how relevant that is, the real point is that the music brings me the tranquility I need; I love the paradox, music played through headphones directly on my ears somehow manages to quiet everything down. I use this to try to appreciate life just a little bit, everything's quiet and I pay attention on the bus ride just long enough to see the sun over the lake; perfect time to reflect on life.

One of the major themes of my thoughts lately has been that it feels as though I've lost myself in my work. It's not to say this is necessarily a bad thing, just a bit different. I feel like I'm a lot less reflective then I used to be. This being the main reason that I chose to start journaling again. Anyways, I'm off topic (as usual). I don't feel like I can talk about relevant things anymore, I have school, or work. Not that I've ever been an outstanding covnersationalist, but now I just feel a bit detached. Oh well, I'm off to have dinner, I'll finish what I started here once I get home or something.